time is no time at all.

reflecting on my saturn return & sobriety

the first year of sobriety is the easiest because it’s easy to feel motivated by having something to prove. it’s the cheapest fuel there is: feeling inadequate and not wanting to anymore.

the first year i quit drinking was easy because it meant that i had a new special interest, a new source of dopamine to get me by each day. i felt empowered by counting the days i abstained and felt strong every time i redirected an urge to drink or shared a ‘good’ update. and boy, did i get drunk off the praise. it was my new booze. i was intoxicated by being ‘inspirational’, in love with the prospect of still being able to hide behind my accomplishments even if it was that exact cycle of perfectionism that led to me to the bottle in the first place.